Carol,
Setting aside issues of anxiety about whether one is going to come or not, I am skeptical about the whole disparity in time to orgasm debate. If there was a real disparity between the sexes, there would be a lot more complaints and unhappiness about it than there is. As I was skeptical about this whole it takes women 20 minutes to come trope that has been hanging around for ages, I undertook my own study and had the pleasure and privilege to time 20 different women ranging in age from 23 to 65. You can see the results of that study here on Medium. A key aspect of my study this was that there was no foreplay. I timed oral, intercourse and using a pocket rocket. The longest time to climax was 5:48 and the shortest was 0:07! The average time was 2:35. The women came quickest from the pocket rocket, duh! Using myself as a control device and consciously not holding back on my orgasm my average was 2:33, so yeah women do take longer to come. Two seconds!
As to refractory periods that varies, and I think is definitely shorter for women throughout their lives. For some it is only a matter of seconds. I once filmed one of my girlfriends with another man and it was clear that she came more or less exactly every 20 seconds. I've only known one woman who had only one orgasm with a refractory period of about 24 hours although one time she did come twice when I went down on her and two other women were sucking her nipples so clearly that particular additional stimulation made a difference. Clearly some women can come only from direct stimulation of the glans of the clitoris, but I had one girlfriend who could only come from penetration whether digital or penile. She usually took about 45 seconds to climax and then would have one orgasm after another until either I couldn't do it anymore or she passed out from the pleasure.
Albeit there a very few anorgasmic women as a result of physical issues, however, I think that the main reason why some women have trouble climaxing is mental. From my study in which I did not engage in foreplay I thought it was clear that the mental preparation and the way in which the stage was set, often with another person to be involved once the initial orgasms were done created a state of mental arousal that leads to a high degree of receptivity and to the best sex.
As for men, the refractory period changes over time. When I was 20 it was about 10 to 15 minutes. At 68 it's about 24 hours.
But you're right, the longer a man can last the better, particularly if the woman able to have multiple orgasms.
All in all, it's an engaging debate. Why don't you write your ideas about the reason for female copulatory vocalism, an aspect of human sexuality that has not been studied and I'll also post my theories about it as well.
