The Purpose of Games (Sports) in the Culture of the United Kingdom (with some references for Americans for clarity)

The British insist on calling them games instead of sports. Games are of course, diversionary amusements, such as Monopoly™, played amongst friends. Of course, only the British could create social divisions based on the kinds of ‘games’ played at their schools. Roughly the country now divides into rugby schools and football schools. The latter’s official name is in fact Association Football. This is what the British annoyingly call soccer. The public schools play rugby. The state schools play football. Rugby was, as everyone knows, (maybe you don’t), a game developed from football at Rugby school in the 19th Century when one of the students picked up the ball and ran with it.

Interestingly enough, the attempt to codify the rules of football was first made by the public schools in 1848 but these were not universally adopted. The Football Association was set up in 1863, but the only school involved was Charterhouse. To cut a long story short the main differences between Association Football and rugby that these attempts to codify the rules resulted in was one game in which the players could not pick up the ball and one in which they could. So effectively football as it is currently played is a newer game than rugby and the public schools stuck with the older version of the game.

The object of the game ostensibly is to run or kick the ball down the field to the opponents touch line (goal line) and either kick it through the uprights, a field goal or to carry it across the touch line and place it on the ground. This is called a try (i.e. a touchdown). The scrum in rugby is some sort of primitive pushing game within the game designed to allow the biggest bruisers on each side to prove how tough they are.

However, the real object of the game is to create male camaraderie so that after the game everyone can get together and uh…. drink. This objective is the universal goal of all sports in Britain.

The British have a social obsession with getting fit and constantly discuss with one another the things they are going to do to ‘get fit’. The purpose of this is that the fitter one is the more justified one is in drinking. Taking exercise means that it is perfectly in order to have a drink afterwards. They call it detox before retox.

Rugby is not played extensively in the United States. You’ll find it in a few of the elite prep schools in New England that are still trying to ape the British schools. It’s played as a secondary sport at a few universities and by amateur groups that are either trying to do something different, or don’t want to spend the money on the equipment needed to play American football.

To any Americans contemplating playing rugby I would like to give you one piece of cautionary advice. DO NOT PLAY AGAINST SAMOANS! The Samoans are the dirtiest, meanest, nastiest rugby players on earth. You’ll have a better time playing against a bunch of Welsh coal miners and run less risk of injury.

In the winter term at colleges in the UK they play a game called hockey. As every North American knows, hockey is a fast, exciting game played on ice. Hockey in Britain is a dull, boring game played on grass. In America, it is called field hockey and is played exclusively by girls. In Britain, girls play it as well, and they use it to work out their natural aggressions on one another. Watch the remake of St Trinian’s for an amusing illustration of this. Since there are many leg injuries incurred in playing hockey it is necessary to treat the pain and accompanying fatigue after the game with uh … drink.

In the summer, and I use the word ‘summer’ loosely, the British play cricket.

Now cricket is an unfathomable, complex, long-winded game that can last literally for days without a conclusion being reached. It is basically an attack and defence game involving a batsman trying to defend a wicket (three sticks stuck in the ground with two wooden cylinders laid on top of them) and a bowler who throws a tall overhand pitch bouncing it off the ground in an attempt to knock down the sticks, which are called stumps. There is a plethora of rules, and the names of many of the fielding positions are too embarrassing for me to even repeat. The game is played on an oval field. As a result, cricket has one major tactical difference from baseball in that the batter can also try to use the momentum of the pitch to deflect the ball behind him.

Ostensibly the object of the game is to score more runs than the other side. However, the real purpose of the game is to provide the spectators with an opportunity to relax in the sun (if there is any), picnic and uh…. drink. During the game the players stop for tea in the afternoon and get together after the game to drink in a friendly atmosphere. As cricket is a far more sedate sport than rugby it is considered inappropriate for the players to drink as heavily as rugby players do, although their wives and girlfriends (WAGs) may.

It is an interesting fact that the only two attack and defence games created in the world i.e., cricket and rounders (the predecessor of baseball and played in England exclusively by girls) were developed by the Anglo-Saxons. All other sports developed in the rest of the world are what are known as target-attack games.

However, whereas the Americans used baseball as an integral means of democratizing the country, the English, as usual, brought various strata of class distinctions to cricket.

Baseball is the ultimate democratic game. Everyone can play it. Because of the different skills, size and speed required by different positions, a greater variety of people can participate in it simultaneously than in almost any other sport. It is a wonderful game

The social distinctions that exist in cricket on the other hand trace their origins to the way in which the game developed in the 18th Century. Originally, what you might call exhibition cricket was organized by wealthy individuals who staged games at which significant wagering took place. The participants at the time were initially all gentlemen who were not paid to play. In order to make their teams more competitive, the organizers brought in what we, in America, would call ‘ringers’ or effectively, professionals.

To increase their chances of winning both on the field and in the wagering, this inclusion of ‘players’, as they were called, of course distorted the odds, and made it more difficult for the bookmakers to accurately set odds. As a result, an agreement was made that the programmes printed for the matches would distinguish between ‘gentlemen’ and ‘players’ with ‘gentlemen’ being listed by their surname following their initials, such as WG Grace and players being listed by their surname followed by their Christian name — for example: ‘Smith, William’.

The retention of the use of initials to distinguish a gentleman is still used in Britain today, particularly by academics who regularly publish in this fashion. G.R. Elton’s England Under the Tudors is one example. Popular literature written by academics includes The Lord of the Rings by JRR Tolkien.

Golf, as everyone knows, was invented by bored Scottish sheep herders knocking dried bits of sheep turd around on the moors while tending their flocks. The game is in the Scots’ blood, just about everyone plays, and there are plenty of inexpensive municipal courses, as there are in America. There are lots of elite clubs in both countries too, but it’s nowhere near the level of elitism one finds in England. The English try to make golf as exclusive a game as possible. As a result, there are hundreds of private clubs with varying degrees of exclusivity. However, what exactly they were trying to achieve through this attitude I never could tell. Golf is almost predominantly a middle-class sport in England. The Scots do not go in for the misguided snobbery of the English in relation to the game. English golf clubs like most other kinds of clubs in England always have a number of pointless, unhelpful and irritating rules. Why? Because the people have an unspoken desire to annoy each other and themselves because they cannot restrain themselves in trying to devise the ways in which things are ‘done’.

It is important to remember that golf can only be played properly in the wind and the rain. Many Americans are not used to this and will find that playing golf under these conditions in the British Isles makes the game more frustrating than usual. Try to remember that it is a game invented by sadists for masochists. Know thyself and you’ll enjoy it more. As with all other sports in Britain the purpose of playing is to end up at the 19th hole and console yourself for your mediocre play by uh … drinking.

The Sport of Kings, horse racing, is also very popular throughout the British Isles. There are betting shops liberally sprinkled throughout the country mainly habituated by working men having a flutter on the ponies. I’ve been to Newmarket and Newbury, which are flat-racing courses, and Towcester, which is steeplechase.

The primary purpose of horse racing in Britain is to rent out corporate hospitality boxes and bring business guests to them for an entertaining day out so that everybody can spend the day together and uh… drink.

Bookies at English tracks are a breed apart. They are the most motley collection of ne’er-do-wells one can imagine. Similar to American racetracks, one finds all sorts of picaresque characters at British tracks.

Of course, the highlight of the British racing season is Ascot. This provides the upper classes and the wealthiest of the nouveau-riche class an opportunity to mingle together, occasionally pretending that it’s still the Edwardian period, wear the silliest hats ever designed and uh… drink, but mostly champagne.

Motor racing is also very popular in Britain, and there are numerous well-attended events such as the London to Brighton veteran car race, the Grand Prix at Silverstone, various meetings at Brands Hatch and two popular events at Goodwood: The Festival of Speed and the Goodwood Revival. The point of motor racing in Britain is, like horse racing to rent out hospitality boxes, bring your clients together and uh … drink.

Tennis is another summer sport played and watched by the British. Playing on grass is extremely challenging. Wimbledon is well worth going to if you get the chance. The purpose of Wimbledon fortnight is corporate hospitality, to sit in the sun (if you’re lucky), watch tennis and uh…. drink — this time, Pimms — and also to eat the most expensive, overpriced strawberries in the world.

There are various minor sports played around the country such as Shinty in Scotland (called Hurling in Ireland). This is a brutal game that seems to consist of 24 men beating each other with heavy sticks. I believe that it is acceptable to drink both before and during the game as well as after, but only whiskey.

Yachting is also popular with a certain set, i.e., a mixture of old money, nouveau riche, and those aping their manners. Cowes Week, which is part of the British season, is always from the first Saturday after the last Tuesday in July until the following Saturday. It follows Glorious Goodwood in the social calendar. Traditionally The Season started after Easter and ends with blasting away at red grouse in Scotland after the 12th of August.

The drink of choice at Cowes like all the sports of The Season is champagne.

Shooting is still very popular, with grouse and pheasant being the preferred targets. These days the shooting is done pretty much exclusively by well off nouveau riche City types under the watchful and contemptuous eyes of Scottish Ghillies.

Then there is riding to hounds, or, as it is more popularly known, fox hunting. This is a highly ritualized equestrian sport of the old moneyed country elites and the urban nouveau riche. It is the most polarizing sport in British society. The levelling sort of urban middle classes became so irrationally fixated on fox hunting as a symbol of privilege that they even passed a law to stop it.

As usual with British sports, fox hunting is also very much about ritualized drinking more so than horses, dogs or foxes. The hunter in fact drinks ON his or her horse in the morning before a hunt. This time it’s sherry.

Orienteering and mountain climbing are also widely popular. As usual, the British turn mountain climbing within the British Isles into a kind of game, such as the National Three Peaks Challenge. This consists of trying to climb the three highest peaks in Scotland (Ben Nevis), England (Scafell Pike) and Wales (Snowdon) in 24 hours. Ben Nevis seems to be a particular magnet for silly mountaineering. Some guys once carried a piano to the summit. After successfully completing the Three Peaks Challenge it is obligatory to repair to the nearest pub and uh … drink.

Ten Tors is an interesting and arduous orienteering challenge. This was a hike (the British call it a walk) of about 35 miles over two days orienteering between ‘tors’, a sort of rock chimney formation. The year I went it rained for 48 hours. We were miserable. The dropout rate was 70%. I got exposure and had to be evacuated to base camp. It was not a lot of fun, but the Army did a great job of carting everyone off the moor and of course exposure is best treated with uh … drink. This time it’s brandy.

Certain sports are universally popular because they actually take place in a pub, thus eliminating the need and inconvenience of either carrying alcoholic beverages from home or an off license or transporting them any distance. These are of course darts and snooker and can be played and enjoyed while uh … drinking. For the majority of British men, that’s a winner every time.

The last sport I would like to discuss is rowing. Now rowing is very popular at all the public schools. It is also the most masochistic sport in existence and certainly the way it was conducted at Oxford University, the most pointless. The colleges competed to be Head of the River, i.e., have the number one boat at the end of Eights Week. This competition started in the early 19th Century and has been carried over each year until today. In the next year each boat starts in the position it ended the year before. In other words, there is no result. Americans cannot stand sports without a clear, definitive outcome. This obsession has become so bad that we can no longer even tolerate a tie in College Football. In rowing you effectively do not compete against anything except the physical limitations of your own body. Also, trust me, it is not fun to be out rowing on the Thames at dawn on a winter morning.

There are two boat races on the social calendar in England. The Boat Race is usually in April. It’s a contest between Oxford and Cambridge Universities and has been taking place annually since 1856. I have only been able to go once and like all sporting events in the UK it entails long periods of time between any action taking place which is happily filled by uh … drinking.

The other major rowing event is the Henley Royal Regatta. The regatta lasts for 5 days (Wednesday to Sunday) over the first weekend in July. If you are ever in England as a tourist during Henley, you must go. It is fantastic. It is a deliberate, conscious attempt by the participants to recreate and stage the Edwardian period in the present. Many of the spectators go out of their way to emulate the dress and manners of that time. As is usual with all British sporting events it is an excellent, first-rate occasion on which to uh… drink. And like everything in Britain, Henley has all kinds of rules to which one must adhere, of which I give you a few examples.

When I last went to Henley, I was admitted to the Remenham Club as a guest. Men are required to wear a lounge suit, blazer and flannels, or evening dress and a tie. Women are required to wear a dress or skirt that covers their knees and are ‘encouraged to wear a hat’, but some people frown on women wearing hats at Henley — unlike at Royal Ascot where it is mandatory. Anyone dressed inappropriately, i.e., ‘getting it wrong’, can be refused entry. Mobile-phone use is prohibited.

The main races at Henley, Eights Week, the Boat Race and other regattas are amongst Eights. An Eight is a boat with eight rowers, each wielding one oar. It is steered by a small, lightweight person called a cox. The coxes used to be men but for the last 30–40 years have been predominantly women. The change from men to women was effected so that the Brits could have something else about which to make smutty remarks and innuendos.

The last time I was at Henley a friend pointed out one pretty young girl who was coxing one of the boats he coached. He said that at one race when the boat was losing and starting to fall behind the girl started screaming at them: ‘Stroke, you bastards, stroke. Win this race, and I’ll suck you all off.’ The shot of testosterone this promise produced enabled them to score a glorious come-from-behind victory. The reason I mention this is for the insight it offers into English sexual mores. No one thought the less of her for fulfilling her promise. There’d have been contempt for her if she had bottled out. I understand that the occasion took place in a bar (where else?). And a couple of the fellows involved very considerately videotaped the occasion for her remembrance.