You should write a book titled The Joy of Sects.

Get this 1974 edition of national Lampoon which I think you will enjoy.

https://www.amazon.com/NATIONAL-LAMPOON-December-Judeo-Christian-Tradition/dp/B000XMI3EK

Also, from my observation Lutheran men don't really need their peckers as they don't have very much sex except with other men's wives that they met at the country club.